So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
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