My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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