Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
