My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Bang-toberfest begins!!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
