ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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