I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize