weddingsv make me drug and hornr
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
vagina is talking i cant
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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