Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dignity is for republicans.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's official drugs can't kill me
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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