Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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