Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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