Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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