A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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