Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
