when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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