Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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