I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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