im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm like, not good at living.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
