just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
