I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
