I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
