I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
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Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
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