it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
