I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
