Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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