So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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