the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
