my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
