I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
