Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
