Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
