he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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