She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
