think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
