Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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