I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
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I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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