i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
