why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
