4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
