so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
