I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
