____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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