he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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