There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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