Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
