I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
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There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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