so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
