Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
