I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
