1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I got chris browned last night
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
