I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
