I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
