i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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