I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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