STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
