And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
not ubering you a puppy
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
