How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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